The Klaus Diaries
by cece-noon
Summary: In which Klaus writes in his precious diary about the days happenings. And yes, he does refer to himself in third person... Set after 4.06. CRACK.


**A humorous adventure into the deep dark recesses of Klaus's mind Diary Style. Pure crack. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries or any of the characters. **

….

Dearest Diary, Big K's day has been a mixture of Happy Occurrences and Disappointments.

So that these incidents shall be documented for future historic reference I shall start, like any other day, from the beginning.

Big K awoke on the private plane travelling back to Supernatural Central from a fruitless journey to Italy. The stewards were completely inadequate. Literally no fruit was on the plane. Had to forgo traditional morning half grapefruit with a maraschino cherry. Was upset. However no casualties. Didn't want to stain the white carpet. Reminder to Bad Ass No.1 (i.e. Myself) to have interior redone to accommodate blood splatter. Perhaps a dark rouge… or midnight blue. White accents where appropriate. In lieu of delightful pink breakfast had bourbon.

Once landed in Mystic Hell drove kick ass SUV to Big K's mansion. Upon entrance to lavish home No.67 Big K was presented by the news that Hybrid Dean had died. Painfully. This first point made me Disappointed. Hybrids are now an endangered species. The second point however made me Happy.

If I may, dearest understanding diary, I shall take a small break in the documentation of the day's happenings to explain my emotional response to this unfortunate news. K felt rage. That doppelgänger/vampire/pasty boring twit had best not destroy my plans for a future of Hybrids any further.

Rage was magnified upon discovering that the for mentioned chit had killed the Hunter. Despair insured. However, was uplifted by the knowledge of a mourning party for Dean. Copious amounts of alcohol surrounded by sad people would make me feel better. It did, but for a different reason. Must stop this deviation as the events are starting to become non-linear. This is not Doctor Who.

Went to kitchen. Was feeling exhausted by others incompetence. Had a vanilla hazelnut mocha cappuccino with a caramel drizzle on whipped cream lightly dusted with nutmeg. Will add sprinkles tomorrow.

Drove to the Lockwood dwelling. Upon entering the house the Haley girl and My Remaining Precious's were, forgive the modern slang, smashed. And not in a fun way. Big K was miffed. Drank most of somewhat decent scotch. (Note to Hybrid 1: Replace to keep in Former Mayors good graces. One never knows).

It is at this point, Diary, that the day improved markedly. Upon stumbling into awkward sexual sitch between the unsired nincompoop and the wolf girl (I do wonder who she killed to bring upon her induced werewolf state…) Caroline entered the house to return the idiots possessions. A computer, a jersey and that hideously cheap charm bracelet. From long years of being able to read people by their things, one surmises that the boy has reached the pinnacle of his life. High school jock who asked his mother what to get the beautiful Caroline for her birthday. (Another note to self: started planning birthday party. Do NOT invite Elena. Upset with her).

One could spend the day explaining the flattering outfit Caroline had chosen to don that morning. However one shall not. A better outfit was yet to come. (Insert winky face). During their exchange Big K abandoned the bottle of scotch. Did not want to look trashy in front of woman Big K wants to woo. Left the house with Remaining Precious's. The three occupants were left to their breakup drama.

Big K is not pleased that Caroline knows of Idiots affair with Wolf Girl. I can no longer use such information to drive a big, huge wedge between the now ex-lovers. She may become sympathetic to him in the future. Must stop this from happening when Beautiful Caroline becomes Big K's chosen life partner. K is not the marrying kind.

Dropped the Precious's off at House 67 with instructions to ready the underground bunker. Remove the good art, add a bed, dust, etcetera. Add decorations such as purple flowers and crystal encrusted lamps. Drove to Suburgatory in a semi drunken haze. Avoided children on sidewalks. Only hit one dog. Small part of K hopes that it was not Small Gilberts dog returning to its master from Denver. Called Stefan. Chit-chat was not pleasant but amused K. The mention of past hallucinations made K sad. Stole Boring Twit from the Salvatore Brothers. Enjoyed look of shock on Boring Twits face. Another note to Bad Ass No.1, return to white picket hell to retrieve Tricked Out SUV.

Big K is happy to have ran to 67. Removed some alcohol from system. Also reduced risk of damaging T. .

Boring Twit put up a pitiful struggle.

Once in underground bunker told Boring Twit of past experiences with strange hallucinations of the murdering induced kind. Not the ones that made the 60s bearable. Did not want to dwell on hallucinations. Those tortured suicidal thoughts are entombed in an earlier series of diaries that Big K self-entitled '52 and a Half Shades of Sad'.

Went to The Grill to avoid Pasty's mutterings and yellings at an empty room and to continue the day's drinking sesh. Encountered a beautiful specimen. Caroline. K was pleased with choice of alcoholic beverage. Wine in fancy glass. Much more dignified in Caroline's presence. Good job ordering Big K. Beautiful Caroline was wearing low cut top. Big K approved. Little K also approved.

Short exchange of words ensued. She wanted Elena. But one could not give her Elena. (If she had asked for anything else I would have gladly given it to her). She had a sadness about her. The internal light she exuded did not shine as brightly today. The Idiot hurt her. This was not acceptable. Made intensions clear to Caroline via comments about Idiot's previously sired state.

Offered beverage as a test. The distraction was recognised. Caroline does not willingly accept my company at this point in time. Silently acknowledged this with traditional Klaus-esque smirk. She did not see. Ordered her the same red wine as myself. Must improve her palette. None of that alco-pop rot under Big K's roof.

Diary. K is on a WIN! She did not scoff at my advances!

Caroline received messages regarding Boring Twit and Stefan's failed plan. (As K is smart, put two and two together. Chris no longer sired. Sad) This ignited fury and inner chaos in me. I did not want to hurt her. I walked away.

Upon being called back she told me that the Gilbert boy needed to kill a vampire to stop the hallucinations the insufferable Elena was experiencing.

Took advantage of situation.

Three problems. One solution. (Insert saying about birds and stones).

I offered up Chris's life for the younger Gilbert to kill. What is one disobedient pup/vamp in comparison with a potential future of loyal Hybrids. Just got tingles. In exchange for the future sanity of Pasty I received one date with Caroline. Big K is very pleased at turn of events. In order to have many future dates with Caroline the one date must be magnificent. Shall brainstorm potential date ideas tomorrow.

Moved from The Grill to the Lockwood house.

Upon arrival enjoyed look of surprise on soon to be dead Hybrid's face, also the expressions of Idiot and Wolf Girl were muchly appreciated. Big K enjoys inducing fear.

Returned to base instincts. Threatened. Induced pain. Gave speech about Hybrid duties. Lured someone into false sense of security.

BOOM.

DEAD.

Big K left the house. Crying girls disturb K.

Returned to 67 pleased with the day's work.

Disobedient Hybrid dead. Future Hybrid bloodline secured. Flirted. Got date.

Big K feels that this was a good day.

….

**I don't even know. The idea came to me. Good? Bad? Indifferent?**

**Should it be continued?**

**Review please. **

**Follow me on Tumblr: cecemiday.**


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